I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Randomize
