we have pet lesbian snakes
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
pray to the hookup gods
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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