Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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