Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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