He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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