I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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