Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
