how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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