I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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