I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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