dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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