Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
