so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize