yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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