How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
