the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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