If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
