Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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