I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
