Your mouth is God's brothel.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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