tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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