I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
