Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
