Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
