this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Randomize
