dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
