Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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