I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
