soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I love you.
Bad choice
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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