Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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