I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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