The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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