Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
