life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
