Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
be right there i have to get my cape
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
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