What did we do last night that was yellow?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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