I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
