I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Randomize
