I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
