i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
