If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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