literally had 100 drinks last night.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
