Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
