Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize