3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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