sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Randomize
