im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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