Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
