OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
