God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
