If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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