It's like a parade of train wrecks.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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