at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
