I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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