Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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