i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
