You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Dear god my vagina.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
