do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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